Finding a spark

J this one comes from you.

Currently I'm back in uni (though I SHOULD be at home enjoying holidays with my friends), for my sister's registration. Administration is a bloody awful thing. That's one of the reasons I never ever ever ever ever ever ever...EVER wanna work in a company. That, and one other small reason.

The desire to have an 'original idea' is one goddamn terrible one. I would recommend anyone out there to avoid getting it, and if they already have it, to get rid of it as soon as possible. It is one of the worst attacks of individualism you could possibly get, and the one that is likely to kill you while you're at it. Recently I've been been feeling this desire. It started out small enough. I was sitting next to the river that flows through the uni one evening, sipping a can of black roast coffee, feeling quite sorry for myself about life in general. I imagine that is a rather selfish thing to do and selfish people should suffer. This aeroplane suddenly decides to fly over head twinkling its bright strobe lights as it does so. And I suddenly feel the Wright brothers are mocking me. Well over 10 tonnes of metal carrying another 10 tonnes of passengers and cargo speeding off at 960kmph at 25000 feet. It was quite an elaborate mockery. If you consider the amount of engineering that went into making a Boeing 777 for example, its mind-boggling. Thats a big statement perfect for making you feel really tiny.

To think there are people out there who have ideas like that, and I'm sitting drinking coffee feeling sorry for myself.

If there's one damn thing I can do with my life, its got to be this. Get just one original idea.

Just one.

And I know it'll beat the hell out of me before it comes out itself.

Tired

Oh I'm so goddamn tired...


One more day left to my final, and my prep seems no where. I wish I could get an A for this subject, but apparently my continuous assessment marks aren't so great, and it's HIGHLY likely that I won't get one. I hate the subject.

Yet somehow, I feel I can relate to flip-flops and state machines. I think I know how they feel when clock signals go through them at a million million cycles a second and they decide whether to switch states or loop indefinitely in one condition. Actually people are a lot like state machines. We too are forced to respond to our environments, often in pre-determined ways...slaves not only to our pre-natal genetic programming, but also to our personality and worldview. We're likely to keep responding a certain way and not change, even for the better!

Its just our clock cycles are a whole lot less frequent.

One year has passed, and I feel like I did when I first joined uni. I think the worst thing about having a small tight group of friends in school is that you never really get the same feeling of kinship anywhere else. I'm a foreigner in the country I've lived in for so long. I don't speak the language, I can't relate to the people. My temperament, attitude, up-bringing, everything, has been so different from the rest of the people who surround me. Actually who have always surrounded me. I've never found any common ground with anyone in terms of almost anything.

Maybe that's not really their fault after all. When I'm with someone I wanna be alone, when I'm alone I wanna be with someone. Understandably I feel discontent a lot when I really shouldn't be. I don't know WHAT to feel. Sometimes I think I'm still looking for myself. Sometimes I think I'm looking for someone else. Sometimes I just get tired of looking 'cause I keep looking and I never find anything.

I feel like an S-R Latch with a 1-1 input.

God bless the FF's.

Wee...

Mmmm...I don't like feeling depressed. It makes me really moody.

I've always been sort of a high achiever in studies. I've become used to doing well in academics. And sometimes when I don't feel that great, I become really stupid and careless in them, and I feel generally disinclined to working. And of course if that mood keeps up, in about a week or two, I lose touch of my studies, and feel even stupider, get more depressed and the problem compounds itself. Then most people see me walking about like a dead zombie brooding on ridiculous things which are not worth brooding over.

I would put it down to not being understood. As usual. A lot of people seem to have this problem. A general lack of understanding in the world. Who said man was an intelligent creature? He can't even understand his own species.

I want this sem to end. I want this stupid feeling to end. That I'm worth nothing. Nothing. I hate feeling worthless. I've always wanted to leave my mark on the world. Something that people will remember me by. Preferably something big. A new technology maybe. Or something in science. Actually, I've always wanted to be a physicist or mathematician. But I got stuck in engineering. Which I don't really loathe...I can relate to it somewhat, but I don't really WANT to do it. I want to answer the bigger questions of the universe. See what others haven't seen. Lift the veil and see what's hidden behind it. Even now, I still read books and books on science whenever I get the chance. Of course it isn't really heavy reading with tonnes of equations and all - its mostly theoretical - but I still love it to bits. I'm addicted to it.

And I don't like feeling depressed.

MeMoore

Hey what's up? I hope the world is doing good while you're reading this.

I'm currently 'preparing' for my DLD final exam in the library...something I've been attempting to do for the past 5 days. But my friends keep asking me to help them with dynamics. I HATE dynamics. Barely understood enough of it to pass. And now these guys are asking me...haha...how ironic.

But I'm sick of DLD and the exam is a week away. I want to perfect my Moore and Mealey state macine analysis by tomorrow. Then I want to work on some counters.

Been reading some relativity lately and doing some thinking about it. I think it would be appropriate to write E=k/T (energy is inversely proportional to time). Einstein always implied it in relativity, but he seems to have missed it out in the actual writing. Unless of course its there and I don't know about it (which is likely to be the case, 'cause I'm unlikely to know everything that he wrote O.o). What would be interesting would be to explore the k in the equation. Somehow I think it wil turn out to be a square term. Should be able to do it using the same light clock thought experiment he used for general relativity.

Anyways, more on other things later. Got to go and study now.

Ciao,