Breaking News: Derivatives Changed!

Its seems to me that some universities have special administrative folk who are employed just to sit around a large cauldron and conccot various forms of academic torture for their beloved students.
Write a 2500 research essay on a topic related to your field of study.
What the fu*k?
How the hell am I supposed to pull that off? I haven't even finished my field of study, let alone know anything about the research activity going on in it. Apparently its not supposed to be highly technical or anything. It's just supposed to 'demonstrate the candidate's ability to effectively argue on controversial points'. What bullshit.
For social sciences...ok...that's fine, it's an acceptable assignment. But engineering? How the hell are we supposed to write an argumentative essay? When the teacher said that, this is the scene that was going through my head:

Newton: Don't be ridiculous, the integral of ln x is 1/x.
Leibniz: Now, now Herr Newton, we all know that that will be an unacceptable response for the public.
Newton: Unacceptable?
Leibniz: 1/x is too complicated. How about we make it 3?
Newton: Are you out of your bloody mind?
Leibniz: It would make things less complicated for the general public, and reduce illiteracy. You know, what that Mill fellow said about Utilitarism.
Newton: Since when did Germans become Utiliarianist??
Leibniz: Why do you think we made the German Sausage? Its our greatest contribution to the world. Aside from losing to Italy in the Worldcup semi-finals.

I mean come on, in engineering and the sciences, either something is, or it isn't. There's no 'opinion' about it. And you can only argue if you have opinions. So I'm still wondering how the hell to pull off an argument-less research-less essay and get an A.

All hail the sausage.